The Feminine Mindset: Avoiding the Information Trap as a Mother

There is SO much information online when it comes to parenting our children…how to diaper, where and how the baby should sleep, when to nurse, when to pump, how to respond to cries, what TO do…what NOT to do… but the truth is… there are pros and cons to EVERYTHING. It is easy as a new mother to fall into the advice and information trap…many newborn mothers (myself included) find themselves googling and searching the internet for answers…but that can leave you feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

So as a new mother, how will you know what choice is right for you and your family? How do you feel when your choice aligns with your inner knowing?

Who you call on for support during your mothering journey will either guide you towards your intuition or lead you away from it.

There are two ways of showing up for someone in a time of need.

The masculine way of supporting mothers is all about solving problems, offering advice (often unsolicited), and providing expert opinions. This is the common way the medical community and even family & friends provide support. It allows little introspection and often includes declarative statements and “one size fits all” solutions.

The masculine mindset focuses on the details, the data, and the advice. 

So, you might ask me…Skylar, what’s wrong with advice?

Advice can actually bring about problems that weren’t there before. Advice and too much information can induce anxiety where there was contentment or shine doubt where none previously existed.  It can come off as “you’re doing it wrong” when we know mothers are in a space of learning and growth. It happens when you are sharing a struggle to be heard and comforted, but a well-intentioned friend instead lists everything you should be doing to solve the problem (whether or not you were even identifying it as a problem). Advice should only be given when asked. Period. More often than not, advice takes a mother out of her natural state of love & learning and into a state of stress.

There is another way of providing support that makes more sense in the postpartum…

And that is the feminine way…supporting a mother by listening deeply, asking questions, and providing quiet space so she can tune into her own intuition for answers. 

The feminine mindset focuses on reflection, compassion, inspiration, and affirmation.

Note: The terms “masculine” and “feminine” are not used in this article as gendered terms. We each have the potential to bring masculine & feminine attributes to our daily interactions and change between the two perspectives.

When we believe mothers are capable and intelligent, we don’t need to tell them what to do.  All we need to do is foster their own sense of knowing.

Five Ways to Avoid the Advice & Information Trap as a Mother:

1. During pregnancy, identity your friends and family that show up for you in a feminine way. These are the people that bring compassion and empathy to your struggles instead of judgement and advice. These are the people that will be able to shine a light on your own intuition instead of offering confusing advice or hurtful comments. Invite them to support you during the postpartum.

2. Find care providers that listen to your needs, ask for your input, and allow ample time at your appointments. To grow your intuition, you want care providers that want to collaborate with you, and not fix you. If your prenatal visits with your provider feel rushed or are only 15 minutes long - it’s time to explore other options. 15 minutes just doesn’t allow time for deep listening and understanding before giving advice. It only allows time for solving & fixing without really understanding your unique situation or honoring your own needs & wants.

3. Practice tuning into your own intuition on decisions in pregnancy. When thinking about a hard decision, ask yourself… Will this bring me peace and joy? What am I feeling afraid of right now? What decision aligns with my values? Am I doing anything because I think I “should”? I really enjoy the exercises in Tami Lynn Kent’s book “Mothering from your Center” for finding your own intuition. What environment do you find it the easiest to access your intuition? A quiet bath? Coffee on the porch at sunrise? Make sure you have the space you need to call in your inner voice.

4. Protect your space during the postpartum. Those friends that offer unwelcome advice? In-laws that did it differently than you and voice it loudly? Ask them to drop a meal off on the front porch, but you don’t need to invite them into your home. The early postpartum is an incredibly vulnerable time and you want your environment to be peaceful & loving so you can foster your own intuition and increase bonding with your baby. If the mother feels stressed, so will the baby.

5. Deeply trust your own capabilities as a mother. Your brain changes physiologically during pregnancy and postpartum to prepare you and engage your own motherly instincts. All the books in the world can’t override our innate biology, but many women have been supported in the masculine way for so long that they doubt themselves and their own intelligence. If something feels wrong - then stop. Tune into your own intuition for guidance - tune out the rest - and seek advice from others only when you need it.

I offer a feminine approach to postpartum support. I provide direction and resourcing when asked, but I am a gentle guide for the mother to grow her intuition and learn to trust herself, a skill that will benefit her for a lifetime.